The Longest Quiz

Jul 17, 2020
Originally published on July 17, 2020 2:08 pm

Jenny Hagel and Amber Ruffin work together in a short game about some of the world's longest things.

Heard on Padma Lakshmi: Taste the Nation, From Your Couch.

Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

JONATHAN COULTON, BYLINE: This is ASK ME ANOTHER, NPR's hour of puzzles, word games and writing the next mediocre American novel. I'm Jonathan Coulton. Here's your host, Ophira Eisenberg.

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Thanks, Jonathan. We're playing games with two comics who write for and appear on "Late Night With Seth Meyers," returning champions Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel. OK. Jenny, I have to ask. You have your hair expertly French braided. Did you do that on your own? Are you that skilled?

JENNY HAGEL: Do you know what happened - is I have a lot of hair. Like, I have the most hair probably of any individual human. And it just keeps growing during the pandemic.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

HAGEL: And there just keeps being more of it. This is actually how they do my hair at work when they need to put it under a wig, when they need to hide my hair under a wig.

COULTON: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Yeah.

HAGEL: So recently, a talented woman named Bettie Rogers who works in our hair and makeup department does all of our hair - she braids it like this so that she can make it small enough to shove under a wig. And so she showed me how to do it once. And I remember thinking, OK, thanks, but I'll never need this. And this has been the hairdo of the pandemic. Every morning, I wake up, and I put it in this so that I cannot have, like, a massive, giant head of hair that I don't know what to do with.

AMBER RUFFIN: It is both that her hair is very curly, so it's very big - and so is mine. But if you pressed her hair straight, it would look like - you know how when kids draw a person and they just give them one line of hair?

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: But Jenny - if you straighten her hair, if you pull it tight, there is nothing you could do to get it to be a normal size. It's just the amount of hairs on her head.

HAGEL: Yeah.

EISENBERG: (Laughter).

RUFFIN: It's too many.

HAGEL: It's like the hairs per square inch. I've had - like, one time when I was in high school, I was getting my hair cut. And the shampoo woman was, like, shampooing my hair, and she was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, there is so much hair.

(LAUGHTER)

HAGEL: And then she started calling people. She's like, Barbara. Barbara, get over here. You got to get your hands in this. Come here and look at this. And there's, like, all these women with their hands in my hair.

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: And it wasn't enough people.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right. Would you like to play another game?

RUFFIN: OK.

EISENBERG: All right. Great. You're going to work together on this next one. It's called The Longest Quiz. So these questions are about some of the world's longest things. We don't really expect you to know the answers, but we just want you to talk it out and see if you can come up with a guess. First question - out of the hundred biggest blockbuster movies released in the last 30 years, which one has the longest theatrical runtime according to IMDb?

RUFFIN: It's "Titanic"...

HAGEL: Oh.

RUFFIN: ...Because that movie felt like it lasted...

COULTON: Felt long.

RUFFIN: ...Twenty-nine years.

COULTON: Felt very long.

RUFFIN: And I walked out.

COULTON: Yeah.

RUFFIN: Stupid movie.

HAGEL: I think - I like Amber's. But do you want to give us multiple choice, or do you want us...

EISENBERG: I mean...

HAGEL: ...To just guess?

EISENBERG: That's so - you know what? Titanic is within the multiple choice.

HAGEL: Great.

EISENBERG: So yeah. It's - our choices for you - is it "Avengers: Endgame," "Titanic," "Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King" or "There Will Be Blood 2: Buckets And Buckets Of Blood This Time"?

RUFFIN: (Laughter).

HAGEL: I stand by Amber's guess, "Titanic."

EISENBERG: So "Titanic" is three hours and 14 minutes long.

RUFFIN: Good God.

EISENBERG: Wow. I know.

COULTON: It's definitely a long movie.

RUFFIN: So long.

EISENBERG: "Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King," the conclusion to the trilogy, is three hours and 21 minutes long.

RUFFIN: No. I knew it.

HAGEL: Aww (ph).

EISENBERG: And "Avengers: Endgame" is a little over three hours long. So "Lord Of The Rings" - and in the extended DVD edition of that movie, it has not ended yet.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: All right, here's another one. A French company holds the Guinness World Record for the longest of what type of clothing item at more than 5 miles long?

RUFFIN: Scarf, right?

HAGEL: French people love a scarf.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I'll give you the multiple choice. Is it the infinity scarf, a braided belt or the train of a wedding gown? Five miles long.

RUFFIN: It can't be scarf. He messed up because he said infinity scarf, and those are a circle.

HAGEL: Oh.

RUFFIN: So that means it's not scarf. It could be...

COULTON: For the record, I didn't mess up. I just read what's on this piece of paper.

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: What I'm saying is Jonathan personally made an oopsie (ph)...

COULTON: Made a mistake, yeah.

RUFFIN: ...Because he is bad.

COULTON: I blew it. I'm bad at my job.

RUFFIN: (Laughter).

HAGEL: Oh, my God. Your cat is so embarrassed right now.

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: No, let him live, Flopsy (ph). I named your cat Flopsy.

EISENBERG: Flopsy.

RUFFIN: I think it's the wedding train because that's the most fun.

HAGEL: Yeah.

COULTON: It would be very fun. And you guys are absolutely correct.

RUFFIN: Yay.

COULTON: The record was set in 2017, and it took 15 volunteers two months to stitch it all together.

RUFFIN: Yay.

EISENBERG: And, you know, you both said it would be so fun. That's the perspective of the bride. Can you imagine of the perspective of the bridesmaids? They are mad.

HAGEL: I will say, though, isn't that the perspective of every bridesmaid?

EISENBERG: (Laughter) Yeah, that's true. That's right. That's, like, the baseline.

COULTON: That's a good point.

EISENBERG: It's the baseline. All right, what song holds the record for the most consecutive weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100?

RUFFIN: I think it's "Juice."

HAGEL: Oh. It's not "Old Town Road?"

RUFFIN: Oh. We're going to need some multiple choices.

EISENBERG: OK. "Old Town Road" is on the list. Here are the choices - "Despacito," "I Will Always Love You," "Old Town Road" or Eliza's gasp at the end of "Hamilton."

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: But why did she gasp?

EISENBERG: Why?

COULTON: I don't know why they made that a separate track.

HAGEL: Ophira...

COULTON: But they did.

HAGEL: ...It's my ringtone.

COULTON: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I just put it on loop when I'm falling asleep.

EISENBERG: So...

COULTON: It's very soothing.

HAGEL: Yeah. That's, like, my running song.

EISENBERG: Yeah, it keeps you going.

COULTON: Yes, it's good to exercise to.

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: So it's "Despacito" or "Old Town Road."

HAGEL: "Old Town Road," yeah.

RUFFIN: I guess "Old Town Road."

HAGEL: Yeah, let's go "Old Town Road."

EISENBERG: You are correct.

RUFFIN: Yeah.

HAGEL: Yeah.

EISENBERG: Yeah, "Old Town Road" was up there for 19 weeks, outlasting "Despacito's" 16 weeks. "I Will Always Love You" had 14 straight weeks. And "Old Town Road" actually got taken out by Billie Eilish's "Bad Guy."

HAGEL: That's nuts.

COULTON: OK. Which of these Guinness-record-setting human body parts is the longest - longest tongue, longest tooth or longest ear hair?

RUFFIN: It's got to be tough.

HAGEL: (Laughter) Yeah, I go with tongue. I agree. Tongue.

COULTON: I guess it depends on how you measure the tongue. The tongue actually goes pretty far back into your...

HAGEL: Really.

EISENBERG: Tip to lip - that's the measurement. Tip to lip.

COULTON: Tip to lip is...

RUFFIN: You guys...

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: ...We are in a dangerous area.

EISENBERG: I'm just telling you. I'm using the verbiage that was given to me that is appropriate and correct.

COULTON: Official Guinness...

HAGEL: Tip to lip is also the...

(LAUGHTER)

HAGEL: Amber knows what I'm going to say.

(LAUGHTER)

RUFFIN: I can't go anywhere near it.

HAGEL: Tip to Lip was the name of my college improv group.

(LAUGHTER)

HAGEL: We are Tip to Lip. All we need to get started is a suggestion of a location.

RUFFIN: You guys, that's Jenny's favorite joke. She says it twice a day.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

COULTON: OK, so you're going with tongue. I'll tell you that the answer is maybe more disturbing - it is ear hair.

EISENBERG: Bleh (laughter).

HAGEL: Oh, no.

COULTON: This is a parade of horrible things.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: The longest tooth ever extracted was 1.46 inches. That's a pretty long tooth.

HAGEL: Oh, yay.

EISENBERG: That's gross.

RUFFIN: They were really old, you guys. Hm? They're a little long in the tooth?

COULTON: A little long in the tooth. That's good.

RUFFIN: All right. Good night, everyone.

EISENBERG: Nice.

COULTON: The record for longest tongue was set in 2012 by a man with a tongue that measures 3.97 inches from tip to lip.

EISENBERG: (Laughter).

COULTON: And the longest ear hair on record is more than 7 inches long.

RUFFIN: No.

EISENBERG: It is true. We all know from our recent experience that hair is growing (laughter). Hair is growing at an alarming rate.

COULTON: Hair - it just keeps on going. Hair doesn't care.

EISENBERG: Oh, fantastic game. You guys were such a good team. And Jenny won.

RUFFIN: (Laughter).

HAGEL: I just want to thank myself and only myself.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Thank you so much. Thank you, Amber Ruffin. Thank you, Jenny Hagel. See you again soon.

RUFFIN: Bye.

HAGEL: Bye. Bye.

COULTON: Bye.

EISENBERG: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

EISENBERG: Jenny Hagel and Amber Ruffin and write for and appear on "Late Night With Seth Meyers."

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.