Grief, in short, is the natural reaction to loss. It can be caused by all kinds of losses — the death of a loved one, a pet, losing one's job, divorce, or many kinds of life changes. It's something all people experience, and yet, it can come with so much baggage: "Am I being a burden?" "Shouldn't I be over it by now?" "Am I doing this right?"
For National Grief Awareness Day on Aug. 30, WVXU spoke with Marjorie Rentz, the supervisor of Grief Services at the Goldstein Family Grief Center. It's an offshoot of Hospice of Cincinnati that provides services and supports for people going through all types of grief.
To start, grief can sometimes be seen as something that should be done in private, or is a taboo subject that shouldn't be talked about. Rentz says that's why it's important to have a special day to recognize grief and grief support.
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"If you love, you grieve," Rentz points out. "We're good at the first couple of months of grief where people might gather around you, but after that, the support [and] acknowledgement of how long grief lasts often tapers off. It is important and valuable to have a day where we focus on acknowledging that grief impacts everyone, and it is something very natural — it's not a pathology — but it's heavy and hard to bear."
One of the first things to know is that the concept of "stages of grief" that you've likely heard about is outdated. Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who was known for her work in near-death studies, outlined what she described as the five stages of death in her book On Death and Dying in 1969. The phrase morphed into the five stages of grief.
Kübler-Ross herself said in 1974 that the stages of grief aren't linear, but the idea of some kind of check box style stages has persisted.
"Now what the theorists are talking about is that it's not linear. It's up and down. Some days you might have a really good day. Other days are really, really rough. It doesn't mean you're going backwards. It just means that grief is is non-linear," Rentz says.
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She notes some people may not experience any of the "stages" at all, and the idea of stages and having to fit a certain pattern of behavior could make people feel worse.
"And then they judge themselves about their grief," she adds, with this reminder: "[Grief's] not pathological. It's part of being human, and everybody has a different journey."
Tips
Grief can be experienced in myriad ways and for vastly different periods of time and reasons. One person's experience is neither better or right than someone else's. There are lots of things you can do to heal and move through your grief, these are just a few ideas.
- Honor your grief. Feel your feelings and don't push them away.
- Know that it's OK to reach out for support, either to friends, family or professionals.
- Think about the people around you who may be able to help and support you.
- Consider a support group, counselors, trusted confidants or therapy.
- Remember grief isn't linear and you may not experience preconceived stages determining how you feel.
- NPR's Life Kit offers multiple episodes on grieving you may find helpful:
Rentz points out there are places like the Goldstein Family Grief Center and it's partner, Fernside Center for Children, which provides support for children, that provide grief counseling and other supports, so look around you. Faith communities often have programs, too.
The American Psychological Society offers an entire website full of tools for dealing with grief.
If you know someone who is grieving, there are ways you can help them as well.
- Reach out to your friend or loved one who is grieving.
- Give a grieving person the space and time they need.
"I think people often say, 'Well, I don't want to remind them,' or 'I don't want to upset them.' And we always reply, 'Well, you're not reminding them; this is forefront on their mind.' But 10 out of 10 grieving people say it is helpful and it feels good when people want to talk about their person that they lost, or want to check in with them," says Rentz.
